@House_Feminist

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

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@FeelingEuphoric

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”

@ilovepie84

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

@Carmensadie

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

@jared_ish

I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”

@SpeakComedy

Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive 😉

@daemonic3

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.