A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
ibopfufen
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album