A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.