A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Breaking news:
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Doctors texting each other.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Still a very good boi….
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?