@TravLeBlanc

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

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@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

@_elvishpresley_

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

@just1fool

Beer:”You know what would be funny?”

Me:”No. What?”

Beer:”Really? Finish me and have four more then I’ll ask again.”

Me:”Yes, sir.”

@daddydoubts

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@P_o_n_k

[Shower]

ME: This is literally my most vulnerable, unexpecting, and relaxed state

SHAMPOO BOTTLE: Seems like a good time to hit the ground

@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

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