A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
You Might Also Like
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.