@batkaren
@LoveNLunchmeat
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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@LoveNLunchmeat
@stockejock
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
@SomthinBoutSara
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
@BestScienceJoke
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
@wallin_monica
My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young
@HomeWithPeanut
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
@caseytduncan
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
@anerdonfire2
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
@chrisdowning
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
@okay_andi
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth