My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?
Me: Say the words
Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
It’s worse than I thought
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.