Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My 5y/o just threw a 15 min fit because she doesn’t want me to get old. I had to tell her if she took a bath it would help me stay young
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth