A lot of folks out there missing the point…

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My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he’s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway


Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.


I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.


Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.


ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.


I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”


*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought


Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.