A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Just a bush.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER