a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.