A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
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I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.