a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.