A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
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TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Hot hot hot 🥵
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.