You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.