A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
channeling her this year
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.