A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
.. do you even science?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.