A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]