A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
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One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.