A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
goldfish mafia
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate