A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.