A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.