A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”