A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.