@QwertyJones3

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

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@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@ThisOneSayz

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

@tsm560

They say intelligent people are rarely happy I guess that’s why you’re always smiling

@Twtercide

Me: I have a date tonight.

Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn’t a date.

Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter….

@remmarg_yelsel

With Instagram’s new video function, we will now be able to hear the quacks from all the duck faces.

@2Miniwheats

I went outside and the air was cold and polluted.

That made me think of you.

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@nolifecoach

If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!