@kiiimdaaa

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

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@someofmybest

sorry to bodyshame, but ferrets have no business being that long

@nerdreign

Some days it’s little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we’re alone, that help me realize I’d rather have the insurance money.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roaminโ€™ Catholic?

Salesman: So, Iโ€™ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

@UnFitz

Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.

Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@LoveNLunchmeat

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

@iGreenMonk

I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.

The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke