A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
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Love is in the air fryer.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*