@GoodPostReilly

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

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@GlennyRodge

“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.

@TheOnlyMommaG

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

@phranqueigh

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@wesleysnipes

Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.

@joejwest

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

@louisvirtel

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN