A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
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Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Yup
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend