A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

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BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?


When a woman says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” just wait 3 seconds.


Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home


no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them


Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.


[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*


How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.


Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.


*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*


me: i’d like help with my taxes

accountant: ok what state will you be filing them in?

me: i’d say anxious

accountant: no i mean what state have you lived in this year

me: oh sorry, depressed