@IvoGraham

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

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@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

@fabulouscop

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

@skylerhanrath

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

@SirEviscerate

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@JermHimselfish

Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

@TheMichaelRock

Never laugh at a toddlers joke unless you want to hear it repeated 425 more times.

@casey_csaszar

My dog cant hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter