A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.