@RachelNoise

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

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@shalaylaa

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

@ArfMeasures

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

@namelesstv

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@TheTweetOfGod

“So help Me God.”

No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.

@generaldietz

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

@ClichedOut

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

@BraandoCommando

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

@Parentpains

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.