A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t