Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
“So help Me God.”
No. Don’t order Me to help you. I’m God, you bipedal worm.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.