Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.