a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

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Don’t tell the fam I’ve been throwing all the unpaid bills and broccoli into the wood stove


[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain


Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?


Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.


If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.


You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice


Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!


If life has taught me anything, it’s that browser history repeats itself.


What I hated the most in Facebook?
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