Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.