@thenatewolf

A lot of the classic “cool” behaviors are pretty much just acting like a cat.

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@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@DropsNoPanties

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

@ClichedOut

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

@Scottcrates

Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane

A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…

A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.

Do I set myself on fire?

@joeldanger

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

@ItsSamG

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@TheMichaelRock

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*

@jazmasta

They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.