A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.