Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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i could never be president. im overqualified.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.