a lot to unpack here

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“Omg, what a cute baby. He’s adorable. Makes me want…oh never mind he’s crying now bye”


Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”


Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.


Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.


If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet


Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?


the four elements are:

• earth
• fire
• air
• water
• surprise


Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda