Aaaa…CHOO!
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*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends