me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
So when people say they religiously do something. Does that mean they do it really hypocritically and fairy tale like?
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
British ppl be having sex like “mmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.