A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud