Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.