A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
#titanic