@Gupton68

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

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@matt___nelson

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

@thombodytolove

[learning how to tie shoes in school]

Jesus: *raising hand* why do we have to learn things some of us will never use in real life

@sonictyrant

[watching Avatar for the first time]

girlfriend: this is amazing

me: this is the most elaborate smurf village i’ve ever seen

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@terrycjt

Why didn’t Spider-Man’s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?

@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.

@Lisabug74

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.