[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
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Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.