The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
A magician begins pulling scarf after scarf after scarf out of his front tuxedo pocket until Steven Tyler slowly fades away from all photos.
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ME: will it hurt?
DR: u ever been stung by like, 500 bees?
ME: omg no!
DR: ok. that’s not what it’s gonna feel like. I was just wondering
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I still remember when people found me attractive.
Those were the minutes
I know 5 people who are clinically insane
I’m two of them…