…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical