@jackiembouvier

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

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@fro_vo

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

@iQuoteComedy

If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it’s a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.

@sirmunchie

Me: I’ll write u a haiku!

Her: I’m just impressed u know how to spell haiku.

Me: *deletes “how to spell high-koo” from browser history*

@PsychographEd

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.

@curlymalloy

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@sassiocity

Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.