A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
gm
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.