A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨