@13spencer

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

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@thelateinnings

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

@McGrumpenstein

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

@SladeWentworth

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

@3sunzzz

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

@stewnami

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

@FU_TangClan

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@Brentweets

Playing Guess Who these days is hard
“Is your person white?”
“Excuse me?”
“Is your person white?”
“I don’t see skin color I just see people”

@animaldrumss

Guy [beating me up for making a joke at an inappropriate time]: whos funny now you piece of shit
Me: wait, you thought i was funny before?