She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.
barista: can i get a name?
me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.