A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him