A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

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Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”


Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.


Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean


Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so


Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.


My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.


[Friday 5pm]

Me: *shutting down computer*

Computer: have a good weekend 🙂

[Monday 8am]

Me: omg you’re still on

Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers


Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!


My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT