@U_Want_Shum_M8

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

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@ZombieProblms

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

@ArfMeasures

HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please

@DVSblast

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@GrrrRach

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

@CherBear162

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

@verycleverruse

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@daddydoubts

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

@KattsDogma

U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.