A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

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You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.


HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please


A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again


Why are they called library fines and not hush money?


If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.


I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”



Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*


Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?


As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.


U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.