A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My wife gives the best headache.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone