@joeljeffrey

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

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@_youhadonejob1

When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.

@BeCoco77

He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.

@BuckyIsotope

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@trustmedaddy

My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?