A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
A classic…
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.