When you ask your dog what the they’re eating and they start chewing faster.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
My favorite part of going out is when I sneak out the club without saying bye to anyone to go home and sleep
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?