A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.