A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
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[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son