Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?