Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
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A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.