A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?