A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
HOW DARE YOU
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.